Nothing

I never did a proper post about it cause I was ridiculously ashamed. Actually I haven’t told anyone on my med team about it. And it’s not right. Lying to your med team is pure self sabotage.

And it’s also a really really misunderstood and stigmatized thing about BPD that I feel the need to talk about it just how it is. In the cruel way.

I remember that around March I decided to open a bloody tinder account. At first it was like cool/cute photos of me with a catchy description and blabla. My standard were just meeting guys for drinks and having fun and forgetting a little bit about everything.

Of course I didn’t did that. After 2 weeks. I started using tinder in such an obsessive way that I even made a Instagram for that. It was private and I only acepted guys. I reached 2k followers in 3 months. The photos obviously were kinda soft porn and hella explicit and I was sexting soooooo many people I couldn’t even remember their names. It was so easy to also accept money in exchange for photos and videos, extra (easy) money in my bank account was something that made me feel good.

The Instagram account was one thing. The other was that I was so bloody desperate to numb everything that I met with anyone who lived close to me or who was available to fuck in that exact moment. I wasn’t working so obviously they had to pay everything and drive me home and buy me drinks or food.

God the amount of attention I had and the amount of dudes I had in the palm of my hands practically begging for sex made me feel good. Seriously.

My phone was always with new messages or calls or over a 300 dms that didn’t bothered in answering or reading. That shit made me feel good. Being so bloody desirable and idolized. Shit man.

And I didn’t cared. I didn’t cared and l didn’t thought about anything beside the adrenaline rush and the numbness. And I lied to myself a fucking thousand times saying that it was healthier that drinking or using drugs or cutting. And with that excuse on my mind I fucked 15 guys in 3 months.

I never got any kind of feelings for them. For any of them. They were just my numbness and that was all that mattered for me. I never bothered in saving his numbers or calling back even tho I fucked with a few of them for more than once. The were nothing for me.

Life was waking up in the morning, reading DMS and checking matchs on tinder and then deciding who I was going to fuck that day.

And it’s so scary how fast it got out of control. Like the day I fucked 3 persons in less than 2 hours. Or the fact that a lot of them were married of with stable couples and shit. And I just didn’t cared. I only cared about what and how I felt in that moment and the instant relief I got and the fake sense of control and power.

I have always felt lucky for not having that co-dependence in relationships that a lot of people with BPD have or a terrible attachment to people. But I don’t know which one is worse.

And now that I actually think about it it’s fucking awful. Like how the fuck I tell my next stable couple about what I did. Cause there’s a difference you know? Between fucking maybe 5-7 guys that you actually had a relationship with. At having casual sex with 15 guys in such a short period of time?!?

Taking nonsense cause I’ve been really desperate for not being able to go out and use sex as a chopism mechanism anymore. And it frustrates me like hell. Not being able to have that numbness again .

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