Comida. 

Food. Food. Food. 

Eating is a basic human need. 

You eat to live. To survive. To be strong and healthy and functional. 

People who don’t have an eating disorder eat without hesitating whether they should or shouldn’t. They enjoy it. They just see it as a very normal thing that is needed to well. Survive. They don’t count calories or fat or read ingredients and compare them. They never hesitate whether they should eat another cookie or a second dish of this thing they really like. Nobody questions anything cause eating is normal. 2-3 times a day with 1-2 snacks. No special food. No special diets. No nothing. Eating is normal. 

And it wasn’t until I started therapy’s that I realized my eating was very very very dissordered and distorted by the ideas I’ve had about food. 

You know. This is bad. Too much calories. Too much fat. Too much sugar. NOT enough protein. Not enough fiber. Compared to this or that. This is better. Don’t eat carbs. Don’t eat bread. Don’t eat fats. Don’t eat sugars. Don’t eat cereal. Don’t eat cookies. Don’t eat chocolate. Don’t eat ice cream. Don’t eat fried things. Don’t eat regular food. Light is better. Zero calories is the best. Don’t eat high sugar fruits. Don’t eat potatoes. Don’t eat meat. Don’t eat eggs. Don’t eat chicken. Don’t eat mayo. Don’t eat pizza. Don’t drink cow milk. No. No. No.  Nada. Bad. Bad. 

Eat organic products. Eat whole grain bread and rice and pasta. Eat light productos. Only drink things with Splenda or svetia. Eatblow calorie fruits and veggies. Use coconut oil.  Good. Only eat at home. Only things you cook. Only able at home. It’s healthier. It’s better. Yeah. Better.

Somedays I break down in the Kitchen cause I can’t let myself eat anything I have. Or I stop myself before tasting something cause I know I won’t be able to stop. Most of the times I eat stand up. Or I eat one bite and do something else to distract do that way I can finish a meal in like an hour and by that time it will be cold. So I won’t eat it. I do have this terrible terrible habit of adding more salt than what it’s needed. So obviously i can’t eat it. And I don’t 

When it’s the time of doing my shopping list I obviously spend 2 hours at the supermarket and it takes me an eternity everytime (just to buy the same thing) and of course it’s more expensive (not that I care). But the point is. That it distract me. It distracts me from everything and that’s why I keep doing it.

And it’s so frustrated how the fuck eveytjing envolves around food. Like going out with friends is going for a coffee or a nice place to eat. Going out at night means having dinner. Going out in the morning means breakfast. Food is everywhere. Food is social. 

Food is a bloody little bitch. That stays in my head 24/7. I haven’t even go to bed and I am already thinking about what l can eat and cannot eat the next day. At what time. How I am going to prepare it. The portion. Everything.  

So I prepare my meals. That are only for me. And sometimes I don’t even eat them. They rot in the fridge and then I throw them away. Or other times I just give them away to my cousin or nieces. 

I eat alone. All the time. So no one questions anything. So no one tells me anything or criticize anything. It’s better. Yeah. Better. 

The truth is that a normal person doesn’t thinks in all this. They just simply fucking eat and keep going with their day. 

But I can’t.

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Published by

naarajasiel

An honest journey through recovery from a couple of mental illness, trying to get myself and life back together while I am the mom of a little muppet called Benjamín. Born, raised and currently living in México City. 🐒

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