As a lot of you may know. I am a single mom.
At first it felt so wrong, it felt so bad and got me crying for a good couple of weeks. I was scared, scared as hell of thinking about doing all by myself. Scared as fuck of not being able to give Benjamin everything he needed. But mostly I was sad and disappointed. Sad because I wasn’t going to share this whole life experience with a partner. Sad because you can’t make people choose what you want. And disappointed of him, cause I thought he was a better human being.
I do remember how rough were the first doctor’s appointments for me, cause I had to go all by myself and all I saw were couples, happy couples impatiently waiting for something both of them have been wishing for a long time. Also the whole shopping baby stuff and adapting my room made me tear up a lot.
Even after Benjamin was born I had this sick idea of my mind that he would wanted to know him, that he was a little curious about him, that he would change the idea of not getting involved. But he didn’t, and waiting only hurted me more.
One month later I decided it was enough. I wasn’t going to keep feeling pity for myself, l wasn’t going to feel bad for that, it was enough self compassion. I realized after 7 months of waiting, that I didn’t needed that. I didn’t needed him to mess my life even more.
No more. I registered Benjamin with both of my last names.
And that was, that was all. It was the last chance he had and he lost it. Legally there’s practically no connection between Benjamin and him. Or me and him. Knowing that gave me a lot of peace at my mind. Cause in the end I know Benjamin will have all the love he needs (and more) to grow up happy and healthy.
I am lucky enough cause my family supports me in every way. I don’t have to work, so I practically can take care of Benjamin for the next three years until he goes to kindergarten and I can get a mid time job close to his school and our house. I am extremely lucky and l am endlessly thankful for that.
If you are in the same situation as me, please please know that you are not alone. There’s always going to be someone supporting you. Always, and please reach out for help if you need it. We all need help sometimes and that doesn’t makes us weak.
Lots of love.